Musings of a Monkey Mind
Working hard today on a speaking piece for later this year. All that comes to mind is "It's Not About You" I keep coming back to this because throughout my own self awareness journey its been an important mantra. As an extrovert who was raised in a very challenging family system I was always looking for validation outside of myself and because the people around me were often miserable, sick or angry, I had an underlying belief that I must have done something wrong. The energy I was absorbing was low and negative. As a child we believe that everything is about us. It's the very definition of being a child. That's why memories and experiences that happen during childhood have such a powerful influence over us. There is an emotional experience that is supported by a chemical experience and its stored in our bodies. Positive and negative. For me the prevailing energy associated with love was fear based and adrenaline ridden. My body and mind will lean in to those situations where that kind of response comes up. It's called hypervigilance. This knee jerk response causes me to spring into action when someone needs taking care of or to completely shut down if someone is angry or disapproving. And this is the point. I'm aware of this now and can sense the difference between leaning into something or someone out of an old pattern or leaning in because someone or something is actually good for me. This is huge and brings me back to where I started which is that when you are in a relationship with someone romantic or otherwise almost nothing they do has anything to do with you! It's really them responding and reacting from their own self. Very few people actually listen to understand, they listen to respond. They want you to validate whatever belief they have about pretty much anything. This does not they mean they are a bad person. It's how humans are wired for survival. We look for sameness because it feels like safety. We look for validation because we want to feel good about who we are. So when someone triggers you because they don't "approve" of you or your ideas or your clothes or your choices it's about THEM. Not YOU! When I am strong and my best self I can let other peoples judgement be about them and not immediately wonder what I must being doing wrong. And sometimes I realize that other people's reactions may be because I've actually done something very right for me. And this is the greatest gift of this awareness.